Who Made You King?

A scene from the comedy feature film "Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail"

SCENE 3: JUST BECAUSE SOME WATERY TART...

-=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=-

Characters:
Peasants: As in 1 and 2, for the first bit.
Arthur: King of the Britons.
Dennis: ...the political thinker...
Woman: ...and the woman who's working in the fields with him at the time.

-=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=-

[Plays the usual fanfare music we all know and love...]

Arthur: Old woman!

Dennis: Man!

Arthur: Man, sorry... What knight lives in that castle over there?

Dennis: I'm 37!

Arthur: What?

Dennis: I'm 37, I'm not old!

Arthur: Well I can't just call you "Man"...

Dennis: You could say "Dennis"...

Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis.

Dennis: Well you didn't bother to find out, did you?

Arthur: I did say sorry about the old woman, but from behind you looked...

Dennis: (interrupting) What I object to is your automatically treatin' me like an inferior!

Arthur: Well I AM king...

Dennis: Oh, King, eh? Oh, very nice... And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there's ever gonna be any progress in our society...

Woman: Denny, there's some lovely filth down here!
[Noticing Arthur] Oh! How d'you do?

Arthur: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Whose castle is that?

Woman: King of the who?

Arthur: The Britons.

Woman: Who are the Britons?

Arthur: Well we all are... We are all Britons... And I am your king.

Woman: I didn't know we had a king... I thought we were an autonomous collective.

Dennis: You're foolin' yourself. We're livin' in a dictatorship! A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes...

Woman: (interrupting) Oh there you go, bringing class into it again...

Dennis: That's what it's all about! If only people would...

Arthur: Please, please, good people, I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?

Woman: No one lives there.

Arthur: Then who is your lord?

Woman: We don't have a lord.

Arthur: What?

Dennis: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to sort of act as a sort of executive officer for the week.

Arthur: Yes.

Dennis: But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting...

Arthur: Yes I see.

Dennis: ...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs...

Arthur: Be quiet!

Dennis: But by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major...

Arthur: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!

Woman: Order, eh? Who does he think he is?

Arthur: I am your king!

Woman: Well I didn't vote for you!

Arthur: You don't vote for kings.

Woman: Well how'd you become king then?

[Angelic music plays...]

Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king!

Dennis: (interrupting) Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a
mandate from the masses, not from some farcicial aquatic ceremony!

Arthur: Be quiet!

Dennis: Oh but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!

Arthur: SHUT UP!

Dennis: Oh but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bink lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

Arthur: SHUT UP! WILL YOU SHUT UP! [Grabs Dennis]

Dennis: Ah! Now we see the violence inherent in the system!

Arthur: SHUT UP!

Dennis: Oh, come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!

Arthur: (muttering) Bloody peasant!

Dennis: Oh, what a giveaway! Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about! Did you see him repressin' me? You saw it, didn't you?

(END OF SCENE)

See and hear it on YouTube.com